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Open your heart, your mind, your home to a Kerry Blue Terrier

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First Batch of Kerry Jokes

 

Aussie Stamina

Submitted by Wayne Lewis, Australia

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?" The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my Kerry Blue and now she poops in little plastic bags."

 

Teaching a Kerry to Read and Write

Submitted by Michael Cunnington, Australia

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they have a program here that will teach our Kerry Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.

"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home,
his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "What! I hope you SHOT the lying hound!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

 

A Kerry Christmas Eve

Tonight's my first night as a watchdog and here it is Christmas Eve. The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs, While I'm guardin' the stockin's and tree.
What's that now? Footsteps on the rooftop? Could it be a cat or mouse? Who's this down the chimney? A thief with a beard and a big sack for robbin' the house?
I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt. He howls and jumps back in his sleigh. I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air! I've frightened the whole bunch away!
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again. The stockin's are safe as can be. Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow and see how I've guarded the tree!!

 

Alaska Department of Fish and Game

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise that kerry owners wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear & grizzly bear excrement. Black bear excrement is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear excrement has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

 

Kerries as Hunting Dogs

During the pheasant season, a sports enthusiast rented a Kerry at a hunting lodge and had wonderful luck with him. A month later he went back and described the dog he wanted because he had forgotten to ask its name.

"Oh you want Seller," beamed the lodge owner. "We've raised his rate from $25 to $50."

The hunter took the Kerry out anyway and enjoyed another fine day. When he went back the following month, he asked for Seller. The lodge owner explained that the dog was now called "Super Seller" and cost $75. The hunter took him just the same, insisting he was well worth the money.

The next month when the hunter drove up in his car, the lodge owner greeted him with a sad smile. He said, "You can't have your favorite dog this time. A few days ago we made the mistake of naming him "Sales Manager." Now, all he will do is sit on his tail and bark."

 

Picture of Bianca courtesy Natalia Samajova, from Slovakia <santalai@hotmail.com>

  

Mice

Submitted by Paul McCloskey

One day a Kerry dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the Kerry, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The Kerry thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the Kerry and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the Kerry and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the Kerry and asks him how was he doing. The Kerry replies better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!

 

Homework Inquiry

Submitted by Maryanne Schaefer

"Johny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little
boy while holding out her hand.

"My Kerry blue ate it," was his solemn response.

"Johny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me
to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had to force him,
but he ate it!"

Telegram

Submitted by Maryanne Schaefer

A Kerry went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof.
woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "that would be silly."

Sheepish Blonde

Submitted by Paul and Valerie McCloskey-

One day there came a blonde who was fed up with the preconceived notion that all blondes were stupid. So she went to the drug store and bought a bottle of brunette hair coloring. She then proceeded to color her hair.

Afterwards, she decided to take a drive into the country. Coming around a bend, she noticed a herdsman and his flock of sheep. Curious about the effects of her new hair color, she decided to stop and make the herdsman a proposition. As she approached him, she asked, "Hey herdsman! I have a question for you. If I can guess the correct number of sheep in your flock, can I take one for my own?"

Bewildered at the request, the herdsman replied, "Certainly!" So after a few minutes of deep concentration, the Blonde (brunette) responded..., "243!" "Amazing!!!", replied the herdsman, "...you are correct. Take any one you want." So the blonde made her choice and proceeded to walk to her car.

Half way the herdsman stopped her and asked, "I too have a proposition for you. Do you accept?" "Certainly, but what is it?" replied the courageous blonde. The herdsman then said, "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my Kerry back?"

A Kerry in the Office

Submitted by Sharon Burnett

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big Kerry Blue Terrier emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The Kerry looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? A Kerry that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the Kerry. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"

Kerries at the Movies

Submitted by Francesca Fein, Haroldfran@aol.com

A man followed a woman who had a Kerry Blue terrier on a leash, out of a movie theater. He stopped her and said, "Pardon me, but I couldn't help but notice the way that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the right times and most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Isn't this unusual?"

To which she replied, "Yes, I found it very unusual. He hated the book."

Dead Dog

Submitted by Nancie Echeverria

A farmer named, Muldoon, lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog, a Kerry Blue terrier that he doted on. The Kerry died at the age of 16 and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new para-denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now... Do ya think a couple o' thousand is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

 

American Soldiers Off Duty

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her Kerry Blue terrier

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Kerry is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the Kerry, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."                

 

Nothing But the Truth

Scene: Courtroom. The prosecutor turns to the witness, "Ms. Roberts, on the day of the crime, did you stop anywhere?"

The spectators listen tensely to her reply: "Mr. Prosecutor, did you ever walk a Kerry?"

 

Brotherly Love

An Irishman and his Kerry walk into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "My brothers are fine. I've just quit drinking."

 

Irish Revenge

An old woman, a young woman, and Englishman, and an Irishman with his Kerry are travelling in the compartment of a train together across the Irish countryside. Each of the four of them is ignoring the other three. Suddenly, the train enters a tunnel, and the compartment is thrown into pitch blackness. Out of the darkness comes the sound of a bark, a kiss, then the sound of a slap.

The train leaves the tunnel, and the travelers act as though nothing happened. The old woman, however, is thinking to herself, "Look at that young woman sitting there next to me, acting as if nothing happened. I KNOW the Englishman kissed her."

The young woman is thinking to herself, "Why would that Irishman kiss an old lady?"

The Englishman is thinking to himself, "I didn't do anything! Why'd I get MY face slapped?"

And the Irishman is thinking to himself, "How do you like that? I kiss the back of my hand, slap an Englishman in the face and get away with it!"

 

Handler Bills

After giving the Kerry a good evaluation the handler explained to the owner about handling fees. "To show a Kerry, which includes a groom, I will charge $100."

The Kerry owner blanched, "That's my Kerry budget for a whole month!"

The handler offered to reduce his bill to $75. Still, the owner protested. After much haggling, the handler reluctantly accepted $50. "But why," he asked, "did you come to me, a handler of the best terriers in the country? You should handle your Kerry yourself."

"Oh, no. When it comes to my Kerries, money is no object."

 

Past Due

A merchant tried for many months to collect an overdue bill, but no success. Finally, he sent a tear-jerking letter accompanied by a picture of his little daughter. Under it he wrote: "The reason I need the money."

By return mail came a photo of a Kerry litter. It was captioned, "The reason I can't pay."

 

May the Best Dog Win

Submitted by Jana Deaton

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. After five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Kerry Blue Terrier. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Kerry came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the Kerry. But, when it got close enough to bite the Kerry's neck, the Kerry opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Kerry."

The Music Lesson

Submitted by Douglas R. Keene

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. Their Kerry Blue Terrier was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the Kerry and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the Kerry doesn't know?!"

 

Ray Charles and his Kerry Blue

Ray Charles, the famous blind musician, went shopping for a new set of dark glasses. His Seeing-Eye Kerry took him directly to a large department store in New York.

After a few minutes of walking aimlessly around the store, he picked up his Kerry by the lead and started to swing the poor animal around. Around and around the Kerry flew through the air. The clerks just couldn't believe it. Finally one gal got the nerve and asked, "Mr. Charles, can I help you?"

"No, thanks, I'm just looking around."

  

A Little Kerry Owner and the Priest

Submitted by Judy Lamken

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four had grown up with his family's Kerry Blue. He stopped the priest and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

 

Speeding with a Kerry

Submitted by Judy Lamken
(Parental discretion suggested.)

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The Kerry in the back start barking furiously.

The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

 

A Religious Kerry

Submitted by Sharon Burnett

A religious couple felt it was important to own an equally religious pet. So they visited a breeder and found a Kerry Blue Terrier they liked. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied quickly, using his paws with dexterity. They were so impressed that they bought him.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Kerry and his skills that they called the dog and showed him off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about normal tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this out." Once more, they called the dog and then clearly said the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and prayed.

 

At The Vet

Submitted by Maryanne Schaefer

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his Kerry, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your Kerry is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

Anesthetic

A man living in the hill country was making his first visit to the vet to have some cysts removed from his Kerry. Watching the vet's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The vet explained, "This is an anesthetic; after he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man, "he don't know anything now."

Russian Kerries

In a Russian schoolroom, little Yuri was asked to give an example of a dependent clause.

"Our Kerry has a litter of six puppies," he piped, "all of which are good Communists."

Teacher, delighted with his grasp of grammar and Party Line, urged him to do as well when the government inspector made his annual visit.

Next week, with the inspector sternly observing, teacher confidently called on Yuri.

"Our Kerry has a litter of six puppies, " Yuri piped, "all of which are good Western Capitalists."

Teacher cried, "Why, Yuri! That is not what you said a week ago."

"Yes," replied Yuri very seriously, "but my Kerries' eyes are open now."

Guessing Our Breed

A true story submitted by Aleksandar Milosev, Yugoslavia
e-mail: samns@EUnet.yu

I was walking with my Kerry down the street. A man and woman were coming towards us. When we were just two steps from each other, she asked her husband: "What is this?". (She probable wanted to know which breed.) His answer was: "I think it is a DOG!".

Poker
 A man walks into a bar, sits down and notices a table of poker players. Surprisingly one of them is a Kerry, who has poker chips in front of him and is holding cards.The man asks the bartender, "Is the Kerry any good?" The bartender replies, "No. Every time he gets a good hand, his tail wags."

  

Irish Bar

Submitted by Lisa Frankland Adapted for the Kerry Blue web site by John Van den Bergh

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" Let's have another drink to old Saint Mary's." "Of course," replies the second man.

The conversation then drifted to beer, horses and dogs. "When I was a bloke, my mother had a Kerry Blue." "Unbelievable," says the first man, "my mother had a Kerry too! Let's have another drink to our Kerries." "Of course," was the reply.

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

The Optimists's Perspective

Submitted by Janet Joers

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a Kerry breeder who claimed her Kerries are excellent retrievers. In fact they could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The Kerry raced to the water to retrieve the bird. However, he did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, barely getting his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "So, did you notice anything unusual about my Kerry?"

"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

 

Sharp Kerry Teeth

Anonymus, submitted by Maryanne Schaefer

A guy wakes up one morning to find a bear in his tree. He looks in the phone book and finds a bear removal service. When he asks if they can remove the bear, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?"

"Male," he replies.

"Oh yeah we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Kerry, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.

"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the bear with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does the trained Kerry will bite the bear's testicles off. The bear will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him.

The man asks, " What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the bear does, shoot the Kerry."

 

It Was Slow Day in Heaven ....

Submitted by Paul McCloskey

..... so God phoned Satan to see what was going on down there.
"It's a slow day here, too," said Satan.
"Well," God said, "I think a Terrier Specialty might be fun."
"Sounds good," said Satan, "but why are you calling me? You've got all the Kerries up there."
"I know," answered God, "but you've got all the judges."

 

Kerry Brags

Submitted by Jerrie E. Wolfe and edited for PG-13 by John Van den Bergh
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your Kerry do?"

The government worker called to his Kerry Blue and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the circle of paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.


The stories below were liberally adapted from "Braude's Treasury of Wit and Humor" by Jacob Braude. 

Boasting

Several hunters were sitting around bragging about the dogs they owned. Noting that an elderly native was listening intently, they laid it on thick.

"Take my setter," said one man. "When I send him to the store for eggs, he refuses to accept them unless they're fresh. What nose that dog has!"

"That's nothing," boasted another. "My springer goes out for cigars and refuses to accept any but my favorite brand. Not only that, he won't smoke any until home and I offer him one."

"Say, old-timer," said another man turning to the native, "did you ever hear of any dogs as smart as ours?"

"Just one - my brother's Kerry," was the reply. "I think he's a bit smarter."

"How?" he was asked.

"Well," replied the local, "he runs the store when your dogs come in." 

Purpose

The neighborhood kids had congregated in the front yard when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting on the front seat was a Kerry Blue. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties in connection with the fire truck.

"They use him to keep the crowds back when they go to a fire," said a five-year-old girl.

"No," said another, "they carry him for good luck."

The third, a boy about six, brought the argument to an abrupt end. "They use the dog," he said firmly, "to find the fire plug."

 

Two Hungry Fellas

Submitted by Pete Ramsey

Two hungry fellas, one with a Kerry Blue and the other with a Chihuahua pass by a restaurant. The guy with the Kerry says to the fella with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got our dogs with us." The guy with the Kerry, full of confidence says, "Just follow me."

They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Kerry puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. The doorman says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The Kerry owner answers, "You don't understand, this is my seeing-eye dog." The doorman says, "A poodle?".                  "No no, it's not a poodle, it's a Kerry Blue Terrier, they're using them now as seeing-eye dogs, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The fella with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck, " so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a CHIHUAHUA?!"

 

The Owner-Handler and The Genie

Liberally adapted from the Great Dane website.

A breeder-handler was walking his Kerry Blue along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to finish my Kerry Blue, in the bred-by class."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"


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