Jokes submitted by various people and adapted for this web site by John Van den Bergh.
Mia Lundsten: "The Kerry & Wheaten Dance".
On the picture there are four dogs, two Kerries and TWO wheatens.
The dogs are:
- Geijes Rising Riff,
- Geijes Ringing Rick (the kerries) and
- Rosapenna and
- Geijes Paddy
A Drunk Kerry and his Wheaten Friend
Finn, a Kerry, and Seamus, a Wheaten, were on their way along the road through South Armagh late on New Year’s evening. It was a beautiful crisp and clear night and the moon and stars were huge and white and seemed close enough to reach out and touch.
Finn says to Seamus, “There’s something that has always bothered me Seamus,” and Seamus replies, “And what would that be my young Finn?” “Well”, Finn says, “Can you see the moon up there?”, to which Seamus replies, “ I can.”
The Kerry then says, “Seamus, which do you think is closer to South Armagh, the moon or Cork?”
Seamus, the Wheaten, takes a couple more steps, looks carefully at his friend and says, “Well now Finn, I never thought you were the keenest tool in the shed to begin with, but answer me this……can you see Cork from here?”
Two Wheatens were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."
The other Wheaten looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and a half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Instructions from your Wheaten
- Thoroughly clean the toilet.
- Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
- Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.The cat will self-agitate to make ample suds. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "Power Wash" and Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.
- Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
- The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Your loving Wheaten
One Wish to Each
Three Wheatens were walking through the back alley when they found a magic genie's lamp. After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were smarter". So she became German Sheppard .
The second Wheaten said "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a Boder Collie.
The third one said "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a Kerry Blue.
A man phoned the local fire station one night and asked, "Is this the Fire Department?"
"Yes," he was told.
"Listen," said the man. "I've just moved here, and I've spent a fortune on new fences....
"Where's the fire?" interupted the officer at the station.
"... to keep my Wheaten Terrier safe. The gate itself cost me a bundle."
"Is your house on fire?" yelled the officer.
"No," the man said, "but the one next door is and if anybody gets in touch with you about it, I don't want clodhoppin' firefighters opening my gate, see?"
A man appeared in a newspaper office to place an ad offering $2,000 for the return of his wife's Wheaten.
"That's an awfully high price for a Wheaten," the clerk suggested.
"Not for this one," said the man. "I killed it."
Guinness in Indiana
An old-timer and his Wheaten strutted into an Irish pub. In a heavy Irish drawl, he ordered a Guinness. The bar tender went to work to give the pint a nice foamy head. Smiling proudly he set the drink in front of his distinguished customer.
The man frowned as he sniffed the drink. He tilted the glass to sample its content, and then slammed the glass down. He stared angrily at the man behind the bar. "Sir," he said in much too affected drawl, "is this really a Guinness?"
The bartender looked pained, but only for a moment. "Are you really a genuine Irishman?" he asked politely.
"Indeed I am, sir," the man hastened to reply.
"Then," snapped the bartender, "you shouldn't have had to ask."
ATD in Wheatens
After the vet had examined the Wheaten, she turned to the Whetean's owner and said:
I will see your dog in a week. But you also need help. You are far too upset and worried about your Wheaten. I suggest that you take these tranquilizers regularly until I see you again."
A week later, she brought her Wheaten back to the vet.
"How is our Wheaten?" asked the vet.
To which the owner replied: "Who cares?"
A well known American Wheaten breeder went to visit Ireland for the first time. He stopped at an inn in a small town and ordered a couple of scrambled eggs for lunch. Afterward he noted with astonishment that he had been charged five dollars apiece for them and asked, "Are eggs scarce here?"
"No sire," said the waitress. "Eggs are plentiful. But Americans, they are scarce here."
King of the Neighborhood
A Wheaten was stalking through the neighborhood looking for trouble. He grabbed a Cocker and asked, "Who rules this neighborhood?"
"You are, o mighty Wheaten," answered the Cocker.
The Wheaten then grabbed a Poodle and asked, "Who is boss in this block?"
"You, o mighty Wheaten," answered the Poodle.
Next the Wheaten came to a Kerry and asked, "Who is the king of this neighborhood?" The Kerry grabbed the Wheaten, whirled him around and spit him out, leaving him bleeding. The Wheaten got up feebly and said, "Just because you don't know the answer is no reason for you to get so rough."
A friend of mine went to a pet shop to buy a dog. He checked out the cages and asked the owner how much that Labrador puppy cost. The owner said $500.
My friend was startled and asked, "Why so high?"
The owner said that Lab was very smart and knows how to use the computer.
My friend then asked how much the Wheaten was.
The owner replied $600.
My friend was even more startled and asked, "Why so much?"
The owner said that the Wheaten not only knows to use the computer, he also knows how to program it.
My friend then saw a Kerry puppy; "I'm afraid to ask, but how much is that Kerry?
The owner said $1,000.
My friend, now totally flabbergasted asked, "Why so high?"
The owner answered, "Because the other two call him boss!"
A Wheaten dog and a Kerry bitch are traveling in their crates from Los Angeles to Montgomery.
The plane is barely airborne and the Kerry rolls over to catch some winks.
The Wheaten is all excited and keeps on turning in his crate. Feeling superior to the Kerry he says. "Kerry, let's play a game. The game is really easy and a lot of fun." He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa." The Kerry politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The Wheaten, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" figuring that since it's only a Kerry bitch that he will easily win. This catches the Kerry's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The Wheaten asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Kerry doesn't say a word, pulls out a $5, and hands it to the Wheaten. Now it's her turn. She asks the Wheaten, "What rodent has one blue eye and one brown eye? "
The Wheaten gives her a puzzled look. Feeling that he is a superior ratter, the Wheaten start feeling uneasy because he has never heard of such a rodent.
After 20 minutes, he wakes the Kerry and hands her $50. The Kerry graciously takes the $50 and turns away to resume her nap. The Wheaten, who is more than a little miffed, wakes her up again and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?!"
Without a word, she hands the Wheaten $5, and goes back to sleep.
Watching the News
A Wheaten and a Kerry were watching the evening news when a clip comes up with a Poodle standing on a ledge...."She's gonna jump, she is"....remarks the Kerry.
"No she ain't, I bets ya a $100 bill she don't" says the Wheaten. The Kerry takes the bet and sure enough no sooner after that the Poodle leaps from the ledge.
The Wheaten reaches for his wallet when the Kerry remarks, "I can't take your money cuz I watched the 6 o'clock news and I knews she was a gonna jump."
The Wheaten remarks, "That's fine, I watched the 6 o'clock news myself and I coulda swore she wouldn't jump a second time."
A Wheaten breeder just finished another champion and the middle-aged couple was driving home from the show. Not too far from the show grounds they were stopped for speeding.
"What's the problem, Officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No Sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also giving you a ticket for the broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about it!"
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you've known about that for weeks."
Officer: "You're also getting a citation for not wearing a seatbelt."
Man: "I took it off when you were walking to the car!"
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear a seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT UP!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's been drinking!!!"
Some show dogs are riding in the back of the handler's truck. One of the Kerries starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 shows, I've placed in 8 of them!"
Another Kerry breaks in, "Well in the last 27 shows, I've placed in 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 shows, I've won eleven Best In Shows!", says Mick, wagging his tail.
At this point, they notice that a Wheaten has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the Wheaten, "but in my last 90 shows, I've placed in 88 of them!"
The Kerries are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking Wheaten."