How to call the police
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock yourdoors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulances howed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George,"I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Irish Love Story
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years,seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .......
Leave them alone she said, "they're for the funeral."
Two Irish nuns
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"That's odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part… did you get…?"
A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Kerry sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Kerry replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Kerry looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.
He was in the Navy!'
This Kerry feels rich
A man and his Kerry went into a pub.
The barman said "Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!"
The Kerry said "Oh please don't be like that, I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!"
The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and it's owner.
After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog "Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread?"
"Sure!" Replied the dog. The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left.
When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone.
The barman said "It's ok he's gone down to the bakery for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK he's never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.
The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the str eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's wicked way with a lady Kerry. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "You've had me worried sick, what's the matter with you you've never dissapeared like this before!"
The Kerry replied "I've never had a fiver before!"
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas
Father O'Malley returned home from his morning walk with his Kerry. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send over a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" ?
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. Usually their Kerry, Finnegan, is with him in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, where is Finnegan?'
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, where is Finnegan?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, where is Finnegan?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, where is Finnegan?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, where is Finnegan?'
'For God sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, he’s in the yard!'
Irishman on a Desert Island
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"lt's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since hugged a Kerry Blue?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof bag and pulls out a show Kerry. The dog jumps up in his arms, "Faith and begorah! That feels good! I haven't hugged anything for then years!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "T'is absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
Being treated as a dog
"I say, madam, why do you want to get a divorce?"
"My husband treats me like a dog."
"Does he mistreat you? Does he hit you?"
"No, he wants me to be faithful to him."
The Priest's Collar
Submitted by Barbara Kam
A priest was invited to attend a house party.
Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at,
He asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,
"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".
When Love Fades...
Submitted by Barbara Kam
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's sweet voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "Not you, you're having soup. I was talking to the dog."
A dog ran into a butcher shop and stole a prime cut of meat. The butcher caught up with the thieving pooch on the street and noticed that the dog was wearing a nice collar and tags. The butcher walked the dog back to its owner who just happened to be a lawyer with an office on a nearby street.
"Tell me something," the butcher asked the lawyer. "If a dog steals a roast from my store, can I demand compensation from its owner?"
"Certainly," the lawyer replied.
"In that case," the butcher said, "you owe me $15.00. Your dog ate my best roast."
"That's only fair," the attorney said as he wrote out a check to the butcher.
"Why, thank you!" The butcher was gleeful at having triumphed so effortlessly. He left the lawyer's office and went back to his shop.
But his mood quickly soured when the lawyer dropped off a letter for the butcher that evening. It contained an invoice for a $150.00 consultation fee.
Adapted from the Resources for Attorneys Web site
Money For The Dead
A dog handler, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The dog handler took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
There was this fella with a Kerry Blue. This Kerry has the ability to swear like a sailor. He's a pistol; he can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this dog's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the dog by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" As expected, this just makes the Kerry mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy escalates and says, "OK for you," and locks the dog in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the dog and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the dog cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the dog into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The dog kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *VERY* quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the dog may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The dog calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. "
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the Kerry. Then the Kerry says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Help for the stranded
Submitted by Janet Joers
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two dogs standing alongside the road, a Kerry and a Wheaten. The man was amazed when the black dog repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the dogs and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,"What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A dog, you say? Was it by any chance a black dog?" The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher,"because that white dog don't know shit about cars!"
On a City Walk
A Kerry and his little buddy come across a parking meter and he says to his buddy "Huh how do you like that? Pay Toilets."
Doorbells and Kerries don't Mix
Feeling edgy, a woman took a hot bath.
Just as she became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The Kerries all started barking. She realized she had to get out of the tub, so she put on her slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if she needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, she returned to the bath. The doorbell rang and the Kerries were all barking again. On went the slippers and robe, and she started for the door again. She took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit her back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under her breath, she struggled into her street clothes. With every move a stab of pain shot through her body. She decided to drive to the doctor.
After examining her, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
Top 10 Reasons to Breed Your Kerry
- Thought the house was too orderly
- Never did like having a full nights sleep
- Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW
- Thought the furniture looked too nice
- Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, predawn, etc.
- Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn't want to pay a gardener.
- Neighbors didn't complain enough
- Kids weren't enough of a challenge
- If you can train & show one dog, why not ten?
- Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows.
Submitted by Rita Lockwood
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy don't wear pajamas!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'
'Stay back', he yelled to all us kids!
He went out with no boots, no pants, no shirt!
To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our Kerry Blue Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Daddy. Then as we all looked on plumb helpless old Zeke cold nosed Daddy!
Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
Kerry Exhibitor and the Devil
An Irishman entered his Kerry in the Dublin dog show and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get Best of Breed!" he says aloud.
Straight on the devil appears and says "Anything?"
"Well, short of selling my soul, yes."
"How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?"
"Done and done!" He enters the show ring and wins Best of Breed. A reporter, sees a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the devil to win Best of Breed?"
"And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?"
"And may I have your name, sir?"
"Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."
The Dinner party
Submitted Barbara Kam
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and
agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.
Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the Best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some
mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms
because they are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them"
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite.
All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.
After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything is fine now."
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about that time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!"
A Kerryman attended a concert where a ventriloquist who fancied himself as a comedian told about twenty Kerryman jokes in a row.
"Look," shouted the Kerryman, standing up in the audience, "I'm fed up being insulted by all these jokes. We're not as stupid as you make out."
"Please sit down sir & be calm," said the ventriloquist, "after all it's only a joke, and don't tell me that Kerrymen haven't got a sense of humor."
"I'm not talking to you," said the Kerryman, "I'm talking to the little fellow on your knee..."
The Kerry and the Boxer
A Kerry was standing on the balcony of an apartment building.
A boxer walks by and shouts to the Kerry: "Hey Kerry, why don't you come down so we can play in the park".
"Yes, that sounds great", says the Kerry, "but they locked the door ".
"No problem!" shouts the boxer, "just jump down".
"Sure!" the Kerry answers, "and then I walk around with a face like yours!".
The Newlywed Dog Breeder
Submitted by Judy Lamken, jlamken@PIPELINE.COM
A newlywed dog breeder and her husband were visited by his mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The breeder had genuinely tried to be friendly to her new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity; demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the breeder and her new husband. While they were walking through the kennels, during the forced inspection, the breeder's prized Kerry Blue Terrier suddenly decided to jump up on the mother-in-law to give her a few licks of welcome. This frightened her so, it caused her to have a heart attack, from which she died instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the breeder stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a man would whisper something to the breeder, she would nod her head yes and say something. Whenever a woman walked by and whispered to the breeder, she would shake her head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the breeder what that was all about. The breeder replied, "The man would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The women would ask, 'Can I borrow that dog?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
A burglar just climbed trough a window of a ritzy house while the owners we away at night. He held his breath and everything seemed quiet. Suddenly he heard: "I can see you and Jesus can see you too!" He stopped in his tracks and waited. When all was quiet again he made another step.
Again he heard: "I can see you and Jesus can see you too!" He stopped and waited again until all was quiet.
The burglar made another step and then saw the cage. He shined his flash light on it and he relaxed. "Ha, I suppose you are Jesus? What do I care about a parrot?" he said, relaxi
"No", the parrot answered, "My name is Moses and you'll find Jesus is a rather nasty Kerry Blue!"
At the Psychiatrist
The psychiatrist leaned back and placed the tips of his fingers together while he soothed the deeply troubled man who stood before him.
"Calm yourself, my good fellow," he gently urged. "I have helped a great many others with fixations far more serious than yours. Now let me see if I understand the problem correctly. You indicate that in moments of great emotional stress, you believe that you are a dog. A fox terrier, is that not so?"
"Yes, sir," mumbled the patient. "A Kerry Blue with a small white spot on its chest. Oh, please tell me you can help me, doctor. If this keeps up much longer, I don't know what I'll do.. . . "
The doctor gestured toward his couch. "Now, now," he soothed, "the first thing to do is lie down here and we'll see if we can't get to the root of your delusion."
"Oh, I couldn't do that, doctor," said the patient. "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."