There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two occupations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Kerry came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! fffffffff!fffffff! And before she could say could say "F--K OFF!", the dog ate him!"
Canine Card Shark
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Kerry Blue that
used to play cards. He was great at poker, but finally a friend
complained about him and I had to get rid of him."
"You got rid of him, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would
be worth a million dollars."
"Had to," he replied, "caught him using marked cards."
Two Kerries meet each other in the park. The first dog says, "Hi, I'm Rover. What's your name?" The other dog says, "I don't know, but I think it's 'Down Boy'."
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered. But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
The Rabbit & the Kerry
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy quite miserable and perhaps feeling rebellious, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Darn it Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Kerry and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, "Pardon me. I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
Chess With A Dog
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his Kerry. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
A Clergyman And The Dog
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a Kerry. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
A Small Puppy
On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small Kerry puppy as a present for his son.
Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him onboard the airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking and quivering.
'Are you OK, sir?' asked the stew?
'Yes, I'm fine.' said the man.
Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again..
'Are you sure you're alright sir?'
'Yes.' said the man, 'but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.'
'Whats wrong?' asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?'
'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!'
Psychiatrist's Best Friend
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a Kerry. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
First Visit to the Vet
A client brought a litter of Kerry puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
Kerry versus Repairman
Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Kerry. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, her Kerry was jumping up and down, barking and growling at the repairman. But when he entered the apartment, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!
A sad Kerry was telling his troubles to his friend. "I'm depressed. I think negative thoughts. I'm always bored and always tired."
"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.
"Well, I would," said the Kerry, "except that I'm not allowed on the couch."
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a Kerry called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful Kerry, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked over to the old Kerry in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Alan, my Kerry, into a beautiful and handsome young man".
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
The Mechanic's Kerry
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a Kerry named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his back yard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so decided to call it a day.
That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the back yard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up the the heavens and proclaimed...
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"
One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking Kerry wandered into the yard.
Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your Kerry comes to my house for a nap."
The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with eight children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep."
Indians Love Kerries
There was this indian little boy, and he asked his father one day,"Dad why do indians name there children like, Running Deer, Jumping Fox, and things like that?"
"Well son, when a child is born, the father of the child walks out of the tent, and the first thing he sees, he names his son. Why do you ask, Pooping Kerry?"
A Walk in the Woods
An atheist was taking his Kerry for a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to his Kerry.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot bear charge towards him.
The Kerry started to go after the bear, but the atheist pulled on the leash, turned around and ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with is left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out Oh my God!...."
The bear froze. Even the Kerry froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright! light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped its right paw ........brought both paws together.... bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
A Walk in theTown
A lawyer's Kerry, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A young married New York couple was worried after three of their neighbors had been burgled. They decided they should get a guard dog.
The wife went to the local pound and asked the assistant, "Do you have any guard dogs?" The sales assistant replied, "Sorry Mam, we're all out, after all, this is New York and guard dogs are in high demand. All we have left is a Kerry Blue...but he does know Karate."
The wife didn't believe him, so the clerk says to the dog: "Karate the chair." The dog then goes up to the chair and wack, he brakes it into tiny pieces. Then he said to the dog: "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and crunch, he breaks it in half.
So the wife adopted the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. He was of course very disappointed and skeptical about the Kerry's abilities as a guard dog.
When she informed him that the dog knew Karate, he laughed and said: "Karate my a$$!". And to this very day the husband is still in intensive care...
Kerry Police Dog
It was the end of the day when I parked my K-9 police car in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my Kerry partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a Kerry you got back there?"
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever Kerry. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife replies: "Yes, but we don't have a subscription."
Death at the Dog Show
A dog show was held in a small town in Middle England. Tragically, there were three deaths during the night of the show. This was highly unusual for this area. The coroner happened to be a dog person. A police detective came to investigate the deaths, and to his amazement found that all the corpses were smiling. He couldn't understand this and questioned the coroner.
"Why are these people smiling?" he asked.
The coroner explained.
"The first body belongs to an exhibitor who is a known flirt and lover. He was having sex with a beautiful exhibitor (not his wife) when he had a heart attack .... died a happy man.
"But what about the next one", asked the detective.
"Oh, that one's a well known handler that really likes the booze. He got into the good stuff and overdid it last night. Died of what he enjoyed."
"Then how do you explain the third body?" queried the detective.
"Oh, that person was struck by lightning."
"Struck by lightning? How could anyone possibly be happy about that?" asked the detective.
"He was a judge, and thought he was getting his picture taken!!"
Dog Who Played Baseball
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.
'That's incredible!' he exclaimed to the man next to him.
'Yes,' he said, 'but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a football player.'
Talk is Cheap
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Kerry for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the kerry replies.
"So, what's your story?"
"The dog looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the Irish cause, so I told the IRA about my gift, and in no time they had me traveling from county to county, sitting in rooms with spies and militia leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The traveling around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Then I had a wife, a litter of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten pounds."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a damn liar."
The Kerry and the Frog
A mangy looking guy and his Kerry walk into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal and besides we don't allow dogs in the restaurant" The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?"
The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show
me isn't risqué."
"Deal!" says the guy and sends his Kerry across the room, directly to a piano. The Kerry then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.
The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That Kerry is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.
Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!
A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.
The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"
"No", says the guy. "The Kerry is also a ventriloquist."
The Amazing Pet
A man went into a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy a pet. But, he didn't want your ordinary, garden variety pet! No, he wanted a pet that could do everything!
The shop owner suggested a Kerry.
The man replied, "Come on, a Kerry?"
The owner said, "How about a cat?"
The man replied, "A Kerry, maybe, but a cat! No way! I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thought for a minute, then said, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man said, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." So he got the centipede home and said to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walked into the kitchen and... it was immaculate! All the dishes and silverware were washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He was absolutely amazed.
He then said to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walked into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered.
The man thought to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man was wondering what was going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later... still no centipede! He couldn't imagine what had happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where was that centipede?
So he went to the front door, opened it ... and there was the centipede sitting right outside.
The man said, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What happened?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:44 a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .
"Your Kerry's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 4:44 a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."
Handler: He's a lovely Kerry... Last Saturday he took first prize at the cat show.
Owner: How was that?
Handler: He took the cat.
Man's best friend, only better
From a personals advertisement in the Reader, Chicago:
"Man's best friend, only better! No smudges on car windows. Frisbees come back dry. Won't drink from toilet, sniff your friends, or chew up your favorite sneakers. Much better kisses."
During the Iraq war, three men, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an American are captured by Sadam's Republican Guard. Their general says to them that he is feeling in a good mood and will set them free, but only if they sing a song which has a dog mentioned in the song.
The Englishman starts singing "You ain't nothing but a hounddog," as sung by Elvis Presley.
"Good" says the general, and the Englishman is set free...
The Scotsman starts singing "How much is that doggy in the window"
"Good" says the general, and the Scotsman is set free...
Then the American starts singing "Strangers in the night..."
"Strangers in the night?" asks the general "Where's the dog in that?"
"You didn't let me get that far" The Irishman says "It's in the chorus"
And starts singing the chorus, "Scooby dooby doo be dooby doo doo....."
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a Kerry emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal. wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks.
The Kerry looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is part of my job."
"Incredible!" muttered the man. "I can't believe it! I'm going to tell your boss what a prize he has in you. An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"
At the Meat Market
Three dogs were gathered outside the local meat market salivating over the side of beef in the window. A banker's dog, a criminal's dog, and a farmer's dog, a Kerry. They were discussing ways to get their paws on the side of beef.
First, the banker's dog says, "Why don't we go in and offer to pay for the side of beef on an installment plan, interest rates are low right now and I know I can get us a good deal."
The criminal's dog says, "No, that would take too long... why don't we just run in there, you distract him and I'll grab it and run."
Finally, the farmer's dog says, "I have a better idea. Why don't we just sit out here and whine...they'll give it to us."
The Taco Bell Chihuahua and Scarf Michael took a trip to Tijuana. They went to a doggy bar and got a bit drunk. As they crossed back into the United States, the border guard stopped them.
"Nationality?" he said to Mick.
"English import, Sir" slurred Mick "Here is my green card."
The border guard waved Mick through.
When it was time for the Taco Bell Chihuahua to pass, the little star showed the guard his green card while wobbling from side to side. The guard studied it carefully and asked some questions of the tipsy dog. The border guard was still suspicious so he said "I'll let you pass if you can use three words in a sentence."
"No problem, senor" the Chihuahua replied.
"Okay, use green, pink, and yellow in a sentence".
The Chihuahua thought for a moment then said "the phone, it goes green, green, green, I pink it up, and say yellow!"
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.
"This is a talking Kerry," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He *can* talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
My friend said that he had Kerries that talked in their sleep. Sceptical, I went to see. In front of the fireplace lay a
Kerry fast asleep.
The dog mumbled "I've just written a best seller."
Later, he said, "I've just returned from the moon."
I was impressed and said so. "But, he tells lies," I said.
"Yes, he does," said my friend. "But that's OK. When you have a talking dog, you've got to make allowances. I find
that it's best to let sleeping dogs lie."
A Kerry Retriever
A man went to see his banker and pay for the mortgage on his farm. Now this man had the best hunting pond in the county and the banker knew this. So, the day the man went to see the banker, the banker asked, "Would you like to take me hunting out at your duck pond this weekend?
"Hell, no," said the man. "I would not like to take you out to hunt at my duck pond."
The banker asked, "Do you like that farm that you are paying this mortgage on?"
"Hell, yes," answered the man. Now the man wasn't exceptionally bright, but he could tell what was going on.
With that the banker again asked,"Would you like to take me hunting out at your duck pond this weekend?"
"Oh, hell, yes," answered the man. "I would be pleased to invite you to hunt at my duck pond this weekend."
"I'll be there at 5.00 saturday morning," the banker said happily.
On saturday morning right at the ringing of 5.00 the banker was outside of the man's house horning for him. Out came the man, and he got into the bankers pick-up. Yes, even a banker knows you take a trunk when you hunt.
"Where is your dog?" asked the banker.
"Oh we don't need him today"
"There's a thin sheet of ice over your pond and we need that dog to get the ducks that we shoot. Now, please get your dog."
The man whistled and yelled, "Here! Fido! Hop in this truck" And Fido hopped into the back of the truck and off they drove to the man's pond."
They get to the pond, and are now in the blind. The sun finally starts to shine a bit and the pond is black with ducks. The banker slowly raises the gun, cocks it, and BANG!!!Doesn't hit a thing.
"There must be something wrong with thisshotgun," muttered the banker.
"Good try my friend, but you missed. I guess we must be going."
"No," said the banker, "you call up some ducks and I'll try again"
The man gets on the duck call and let's loose. All of a sudden here comes a duck a by itself. The banker raises the gun, cocks it, and BANG!!! Kills the duck.
"That was a good shot, my friend, now we can go..."
"Please send out Fido to get that duck."
"You killed that duck, sir, most definately..."
"Please send your dog out to get that duck and don't make me have to ask again," said the banker.
The man whistles and says, "Fido, go get that duck." And Fido trip, trip, trip walks on the water out to the duck, picks it up in his mouth, and trip, trip, trip walks back on top of the water and lays the duck at the banker's feet. The banker doesn't say anything.
Instead he tells the man, "Call me up another duck."
The man gets out his duck call and lets loose again. All of a suddenhere comes another duck all by himself. The banker raises the gun, cocks it and BANG!!! Gets his second duck of the day.
"Please send your dog out to get that duck and don't make me have to ask twice," said the banker.
"Fido, go get that duck." And Fido trip, trip,trip walks back out on the water to the duck, picks it up in his mouth, and trip, trip, trip walks back on top of the water and lays the duck at the banker's feet.
The banker said, "I didn't say anything at first because I thought that it was a damned trick. Did you see that dog walk out on top of the water twice, pick up them ducks, and walk back to us on top of the water?"
The man said, "Yes, sir. And I'm very embarrassed to say the least...You know...he can't swim."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your Kerry fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head.
Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance. Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"
She replied, "No, Kerry puppies."
Olav took his Kerry to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my Kerry's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Olav, why should I do such a terrible thing? You know tail dockin is illegal here in Sweden!"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."