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Fifth Batch of Kerry Jokes



Vacuum Sales

A little old lady and her dog answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money and besides, my dog's a Kerry Blue Terrier and they don't shed." Then she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse hair all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse hair from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."


The Driver's License

A blonde woman and her Kerry were speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


Jewish Kerry Blue

Submitted by Chelo Lewter

Mortimer visits Dr Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem".

Vet says: "So tell me about the dog's problem".

Mortimer says: "He's a Jewish kerry, his name is Irving and he can talk".

Vet says: "He can talk?" doubting Mortimer.

Mortimer says: "Watch this". Mortimer points to the kerry and says: "Irving, Fetch".

Irving walks towards the door, tail up, turns around and says:
"So why are you talking to me like that?".
"You always order me around like I'm nothing".
"You only call me when you want something".
"You make me sleep on the floor with my arthritis".
"You never take me for a decent walk".

Vet (Dr Saul) is shocked: "This is remarkable...what is his problem?".

Mortimer says: "He has a hearing problem ! I said 'fetch' not 'kvetch'.

Editor's Note: "Kvetch" means "complain" in Yiddish.

Time-honored Names            

Submitted by Chelo Lewter

A poodle was visiting her kerry friend, who's human lakey acquired two new dogs. The poodle asked their names.

The kerry ansered: "Rolex and Timex".

The poodle said: "Whoever heard of naming dogs like that?".

The kerry answered: "They are watch dogs".


The Momentous Question

For many months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea!"

"Can I help you pick a Kerry puppy?"


Stay! Stay!

Submitted by Chelo Lewter

A blonde pulled into a parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure her Kerry Blue Terrier had fresh air. He was stretched out on the back seat and she wanted to impress upon him that he must remain there and be a good doggie and guard the car. She walked to the curb backward, pointed her finger at the car at her kerry and saying emphatically: "Now you stay, be a good boy and stay, stay".

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that she was a blonde, gave her a strange look and said: "Why don't you just put it in park?"


Mom's Time Out

My parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the Kerry, lying near mom's feet on the kitchen floor.


What you don't know CAN hurt you!

There was this male Kerry who was bragging to all the other dogs in the neighborhood "I'm smarter than you, I'm smarter than you."

This went on for a couple of days. One of the other dogs was sick of it and asked him why do you keep saying you're smarter than us.

He replied, "I'm going to the vet and getting tutored!"


Mick at the Horse Stables

Several race horses are in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a Kerry Blue has been sitting nearby listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the Kerry, "but out of MY last 90 shows, I've won the breed 85 times!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog!"


One wish

Once a very rich man and his Kerry Blue Terrier were sailing at sea. Suddenly a very severe storm lashed at the boat and gale force winds tossed the fragile boat. After many days the sea dumped them both onto an uninhabited island. The boat was completely smashed . The deserted island was barren except for many bones, a freshwater lake, and some cats.

The man became extremely depressed as he realised that rescue from the remote island was not likely. He missed the life he had left behind. He kept remembering his grand mansion, the luxury cars, the exotic restaurants and all the partying.

In contrast to him, his Kerry was loving the life on the island. There were hundreds of bones to chew , nice cool freshwater to drink and even dozens of cats to chase.

The man, however, was feeling more and more down and was missing his previous fantastic life. Then after many years, just as things looked hopeless, their fortunes changed dramatically. While playing on the beach, the dog found a magic lamp and quickly took it to his master. With great joy the man vigorously rubbed the lamp and a Genie popped out.

After stretching himself the Genie spoke; "I was trapped for three thousand years and thanks to the two of you I am finally free. As a gesture of my gratitude , I will grant ONE wish to each of you."

The Genie went to the man first; "What is your one wish? Think carefully since this is the only wish I can grant you."

The man, running around with joy said; " What is there to think ! Send me back to my luxury mansion. My life will be back to normal. I can already think of a good restaurant to go for dinner. After that I will...."

As the man was talking there was a "POOF!" and he disappeared back to his previous life of luxury.

The Genie then went to the dog; "What is your one wish? Think carefully since this is the only wish I can grant you."

Unlike the man, the dog thought a lot; " I really can't complain. There are plenty of bones to chew on and a lot of freshwater to drink. The cats are a joy to chase and the weather is great. I suppose the only thing is that this island is a bit lonely, specially after my master left. I wish he was here..."

The man reappeared on the island and having granted the wishes, the Genie vanished.


A Talking Horse

Submitted by Rita Lockwood

A miner is leading his horse across a western desert, and his Kerry is walking alongside.

They've been making the trek for hours when the horse stops suddenly and says, "I'm terribly thirsty."

The miner is so alarmed at hearing the horse talk he starts running away from it, and the Kerry runs after him. The two finally fall to the ground exhausted and breathless.

After a few minutes the Kerry looks at his master and says, "You see what that good-for-nothing horse has done to us?"


Does cold water clean as well as hot water?

Submitted by Rhonda Treadaway

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather. "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied.... "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained.

Without diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, move!"


Rooster Brewster

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.

The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster."

The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?"

The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs."

The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take Brewster over there... he'll do all your chickens for you." The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily.

The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow."

The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll do all your chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine."

Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold." He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck.

As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and another...

The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs after the Kerry, and does him too.

The farmer is starting to get a little worried.

Brewster then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife!

Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere. He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless, with a flock of vultures circling overhead.

The farmer cries out to himself, "Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look what's happened."

Brewster opens one eye and whispers, "Shhh! They're about to land."


Smart, Smarter, and Smartest Dog

submitted by Joanna Nevesny

A couple comes to a dog training school and desires a demonstration of the trainers' efectiveness. So the head trainer brings out a dog and a sack of bones. He throws out the bones and gives a command to the dog. The dog runs over to the bones and assembles them in the shape of a skeleton. The trainer tells the couple "See, that dog belongs to a Doctor. They are impressed.

Next, the trainer gathers the bones, brings out another dog, throws out the bones and gives another command. The dog runs over to the bones and assembles them in an elaborate tower like construction. The couple are even more impressed as the trainer tells them, "now this dog belongs to an architect".

Finally as the closer, the trainer brings out a third dog, a Kerry. He tosses the bones out again and gives the Kerry a command. The dog runs over, eats all the bones and screws the other two dogs. "See", the trainer says, "he belongs to a lawyer".


Attack Dog

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a Kerry Blue Terrier, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This Kerry is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."


A Man and his Kerry

Submitted by Margaret Conway

A man and his Kerry were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the Kerry walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was
close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the
gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" The traveller gestured to his Kerry.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."


The Dog Doctor

The King's family Kerry was troubled by allergies one summer-- itchy skin, watery eyes, the usual hay fever problems.

"Come on, you guys!" Mr. King called to his three children. "Abby really needs us to go get her some medicine from the vet. You can drive with me."

"Daddy?" asked 5-year-old Colin. "What's a vet?"

"It's Abby's doctor, " said Mr. King.

"Daddy?" wondered Colin. "Is Abby's doctor a dog?"


The Captain's Kerry

Submitted by Chelo Lewter

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's Kerry saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!".

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table".

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?".

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything about it. It was, after all, the Captain's Kerry.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the Kerry. They stared at each other with hatred, but never did utter a word.

This went on for days. Finally, on the fourth day, the kerry could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?".


Good Home Needed For Two Children

Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for a Kerry Blue Terrier rescue dog, we were finally notified by the Kerry Blue Terrier Foundation that at long last, our number has come up, and... WE'RE HAVING A PUPPY!

We must IMMEDIATELY get rid of our children now, because we just KNOW how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be! Since our puppy will be arriving on Monday, we MUST place the children in new homes this weekend!!!

They are described as:

1) One male, white, blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Name is Tommy. Temperament tested. Current on all shots. Tonsils removed already and very healthy condition!
Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little time and training, he will do well in a new home.

2) One female, strawberry blonde hair, green eyes. Three years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Her name is Mary. Temperament tested, but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and happy (mostly). Gets along well with little boys, but does not like to share toys. She is house trained, and would do best in a one child household.

We really LOVE our children, and want to do what is best for them. I hope you understand, that ours is a UNIQUE situation, and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed by Sunday night at the latest.


A Talking Mushroom

A Kerry found a mushroom in his yard one afternoon, and played with it for hours. The two of them had such fun together, they decided to go out in the evening. They walked into a bar, but the bartender stopped them. Looking at the mushroom he said, " Sorry buddy, you can't come in." The mushroom asked, "Why not?" Bartender said, "We don't serve your kind in here." Mushroom said," Why not, I'm a funguy" .


The Priest and the Lost Kerry

One fine sunny morning, a Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking Kerry under a tree. "What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the Kerry, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a Kerry." "Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an eleven year old choirboy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this Kerry dog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?"

"Yes" said the Kerry, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food and warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the Kerry and took him home. The priest gave the kerry lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the Kerry on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old choirboy beside him in bed.

"And that, Judge, is the case for the Defence..."


Shooting Shot Glasses

A guy and his Kerry dog walk into a bar in Ireland, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in.

Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you 100 pounds that my Kerry can pee into a shot glass from 20 feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his 100 pounds, so he agrees. They get out a shot glass, the bartender paces off 20 feet, and the contest begins.

The man places his Kerry and gives the command "shoot!" The Kerry lifts his leg and pees all over the bar. He doesn't even come close to the shot glass.

When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me 100 pounds, huh?" The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window 10 pounds apiece that I could come in here and get me dog to pee all over the bar."

Motorcyle Ride

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride around The Ring of Kerry.

After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.

After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.

"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when me Kerry dog found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"


Kerry and Mouse Game

There was a Kerry and a mouse who went to heaven. A few days after arrival, God made his rounds of the newcomers and walks up to the mouse, "So, how do you like it up here?"

The mouse says, "It's nice, but could I get a pair of roller skates?"

God says, "Sure." So, the mouse gets his roller skates.

The next day, God made his rounds of the newcomers and walks up to the Kerry, and the same question is directed at him. So, the Kerry answers, "It's great! I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!"


Outfoxed by a Kerry

A man absolutely hated his wife's Kerry and decided to get rid of the animal she loved. Since he did not know about The Kerry Blue Terrier Foundation, he decided to drive the dog 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the Kerry was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the Kerry 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the Kerry!

The man kept taking the Kerry further and further and the Kerry would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the Kerry there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the Kerry there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

The moral of the story is to contact the Foundation when your Kerry is in need of placement.


Out Drinking Again

A Kerryman has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He is greeted at the door by his Kerry dog who licks his face. He crawls through the door and follows the Kerry up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your damn wheelchair there again."


A Texan in County Kerry

A Texan walks into a pub in County Kerry and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."


A Kerry Dog Found and a Kerry Bloke Lost

Jimmy-Joe was walking the country lanes of County Kerry when his Kerry dog came upon a Genie lamp. Jimmy-Joe pulls his Kerry away from the Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like."

Jimmy-Joe scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty." "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. Jimmy-Joe was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.

He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them."


A Kerry Baptism

Three little boys from County Kerry were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them....they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" At that moment, the custodian noticed that his Kerry was standing by the toilet, lapping up the water.

So he took them into the bathroom and dunked the kids' heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, "What religion do you think we are? We're not Katlick, because they pour the water." " We're not Babdist because they dunk all of you." "We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Can't you tell by the smell of that baptismal water what we are?.......Why, we're Pisscopalians."


At a Contstruction Site

A construction site boss in Ireland was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy Kerryman Mick..." so he decided to set a test for Murphy hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9. Murphy says, "Dats easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What the hell is that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine". Fair enough, says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir" he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says, "each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100". Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" he makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir. 100." The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, Ha! Got him this time. "Go on Murphy, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little Kerry dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes a hundred, when do I start my job?"


A Long Illness

An Kerryman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk home from the doctor's office. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, let's take the Kerry for a walk because I have something important to tell you."

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's take the dog back and head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said," I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."


Tall Tale

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kerry Crufts". "You mean you want me to enter my Kerry in the Crufts dog show? Ok, if you say so." The man enters his Kerry in the show and wins Best of Breed! The man is just beyond himself. "Dear frog, you bring me all this good luck!"

"Ok where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks,"what do you think I should bet?" The frog reply, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, and his Kerry winning Crufts, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".


Counting Sheep

Substitute <ethnic origin> below for the place of origin of any ethnic group known in your country for not being too smart.

A man walks up to a New Zealand sheep farmer and says, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have down there, can I keep one?"

The farmer glances at the vast array of sheep, snickers, and says, "Sure."

The man looks carefully at the sheep, then says, "5,279."

The farmer, startled, says, "How did you do that?"

The man says, "I'd rather not say. Can I have my animal?"

"I guess so," says the farmer. The man picks up an animal and starts to walk away.

"Wait!" yells the farmer. "If I can guess where you're from, will you give me my animal back?"

The man snickers, and says, "Sure."

You're from <ethnic origin>," says the farmer.

The man, startled, says, "How did you do that?"

The farmer says, "I'd rather not say. Can I have my Kerry back?" 



I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Kerry had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."


Mom's Time Out

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.

His question had actually been directed to their Kerry, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.


The Momentous Question

For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a Kerry puppy?"



Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit a puppy farm. After a few years of badgering by the Kerry Foundation, they decide to give up the breeding of Kerries and go in the cattle business. While they have a few cows, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -("com-for-da-bul" ).


A Responsible Handler

A handler called Bill had just won a Group I with one of his client's Kerries. He wanted to let the owners know immediately and called them from his cell phone.

Bill was greeted with a child"s whispered, "Hello?".

Bill asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" he asked.

To the surprise of the handler, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the handler asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again, the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, Bill decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" he asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his client's home, Bill asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked Bill.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, Bill asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" Bill asked, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the handler asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!


German Lesson for Kerries


Dog Catcher:

Dog Catcher's Truck:

Garage for Truck:

Truck Repairman:

Mechanic's Union:


Excerpts for a Kerry's Diary

Day number 180


Day number 181

1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
5:30 pm - OH BOY! DAD! MY FAVORITE! 


Guinness Drinking Kerry

In a totally empty restaurant a Kerry comes in, walks up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender thinks, "hmmm, maybe I can make my day with that dog". He gives the dog his ordered Guinness and says to the dog: "20 bucks please".

The dog is giving him the 20 dollar and orders another beer.

It went on that way until the dog drank 5 beers.

The bartender now wants to make a little chat with the strange dog and says: "It's not very usual that a dog is coming in here to get a couple of beers". "No" the Kerry says "What do you think when you charge 20 dollars for a beer".


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The Kerry Blue Terrier Foundation is a nonprofit charity dedicated to promoting the welfare of the Kerry Blue Terrier breed in the areas of education, rescue and health & genetics. Learn More.


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P. O. Box 1495
Solvang, CA 93464

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11420 - 142 Street NW
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