10 reasons why a Kerry shouldn't use a computer!
Submitted by Doris Joers
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(Have YOU ever tried typing with paws?)
- 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the question.
- Saliva-coated CD-ROMS refuse to work.
- Carpal Paw Syndrome.
- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing www.purina.com or the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites.
- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates them.
- Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you`ve got mail'.
- Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.
- Fetch command not available on all platforms.
- Can`t stick his head out of Windows XP.
Submitted by David Mikelson
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C-dog please".
The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a Irish Setter. He fit the Setter with a collar and a leash and handed it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000".
The customer paid and walked out with his Setter. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive dog. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. "Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that Setter can program in C. He's very fast, does tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the Wheaten in another cage. It was wearing a price tag on its collar. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
The shopkeeper said, "Oh, that one's a C++ dog; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff."
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third dog in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but that Kerry says it's a consultant."
New Virus Warning
This crazy piece of American humor is only possible because there are demented virus hoaxers who send out dire warning about fictitious viruses in the hope of making people very fearful.
Hope you will enjoy this hoax.
If you receive an email with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will initiate your monitor's degauss function in turbo mode and the resulting magnetic flux will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will re calibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs within forty yards.
It will turn your Kerry Blue Terriers into stupid wimps with frizzy coats and halitosis.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a litterer. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current husband/wife behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes. It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will refill your skim milk bottle with whole. It will make you dress funny (in some cases, funnier), smell like elderberries, and turn your mother into a hamster!
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.
Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
Submitted by Lisa Frankland
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a Kerry Blue trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the Kerry and was surprised, to say the least. However, the Kerry looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The Kerry jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the Kerry "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. He proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the Kerry and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The Kerry jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".
The Kerry Blue looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".