At the Groomer

by Joseph Greenleaf
Copyright 2005 Joseph Greenleaf

I just got back from the groomer, and no, I didn't tip. Well, I ALMOST tipped--over--but no gratuity. They must have anticipated that, since they jacked up the bill...

This is a vet with a grooming business on the side. Or maybe it is a grooming business with a vet on the side...

Murphy had been to a big chain in September, Pet-not-so-smart, and they charged $30 and cut him. So, when he went to another groomer, they couldn't handle him as he wanted to eat them.

Murph was gunshy, or at least, clipper-shy, so I called the grooming vet, as he had seen him for some eye goop.

I told the girl he was a Kerry, that I wanted a Kerry cut, could they do that? 'T'be sure, in her best Dublin (Ohio) accent. Que costa? in my best I'm-not-from-here accent. $35.

OK, OK. $5 kick up from Petso. Cheaper than he's had it done in Ireland, but they didn't slash him (an extra charge for that, I'm confident).

Dropped him off, furnishing them with a nice folder with colour printouts of the grooming technique from the website. Fine, fine, we have books, etc. (I later suspected they were books on Scandinavian bread-twisting, not grooming).

An hour later, Cindy or Debbie or whomever called and said he was being a handful. I reminded him of his Purple Heart from Petso.

Soon another call; can he be sedated? A mild one, administered by the vet. Only way it can be done, as the have some lady wrestlers there who can't hold him.

With trepidation, I agreed.

Another call. Can they do a blood test to check his liver function, and my wallet function? OK, I gasped. Anything for O'Murphy.

They called again. Liver and wallet OK. Thanks.

Yet another call; vet wants to do a cell test since he's sedated. OK, OK. Wants to know if wallet is calfskin. No, it is from the hide of the Nauga.

Passage of time. No calls; what's up? The bill, apparently, but I didn't know that.

Phone rings; Himself can be picked up at 5:45. Right-o.

The $35 cut went to $65, as it was 'labour intensive,' they charged an extra $18 for the lady wrestlers, and $15 for Grade-3 matting. (He's not even 2, so I don't think he's in Grade-3 yet [the 'matting' was on his buttski as he just had a case of the you-know-what's; I had washed it, but it still made the grade).

Add in the sedative, boat payment, donation to the Old Dog's Home, the let's look at the ceiling and see if we can find something else to charge for charge, and I was out $285 in Yankee Greenbacks.

I was hyperventilating, so I forgot to tip. I will make a point of going over there tomorrow to tip them each a nice $20 bill. I promise.

I pointed out to Debbie that no one, in the 47 calls, mentioned I would need a bank loan. 'Doctor added those charges.' 'Yes, and...?' (I always like it when they drop the 'the' doctor). The lady wrestlers were looming over me, cracking their knuckles and making the sailing ships tattooed on their biceps go into full sail, so I adjourned to the fastness of my motor vehicle, Murphy in tow.

They didn't trim between the pads of his feet; I guess they grew bored, and felt they weren't making enough at the $42 a hour they were charging.

----

Joe and Murphy,
both of whom were clipped today.
Late of Malin Head, Ireland, sojourning in the US of A,
lighter in both the loafers and in the shiny beads.

jgreenleaf @ o2.ie

Joseph Greenleaf is an Irish author and publisher. His books can be purchased at:
http://www.swordpoint.com

Last Update: 12/11/05, 23:53:45  Terms of Use and Disclaimer.